"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Thursday, May 27, 2010

One year

May 27th is an important day to me for several reasons.
On this day in 2002 I walked down a long aisle in a red cap and gown, shook the hand of the Superintendant (?) and was handed a diploma. I was finally done after 12 long years I was a high school graduate, an adult (yeah, right).
Just three short years later, on the same day, in 2005 I walked down an even longer aisle in an even more crowded arena, this time in a black cap and gown and too tight heels, shook the hand of some guy I'd never met and was handed, this time a degree. I was a college graduate, the first and to this day only, one in my family to do it. I headed out in the world to kick ass and take names, after a short, mostly druken, do things I would never normally do and to this day won't admit to half of them, trip to New Orleans.
In the time since went through several jobs, several more boyfriends and too many nights out drinking and embarassing myself, settled down, got married to the man of my dreams and one year ago today I did something I had dreamed of doing, but was never sure I really would. At 5:30 am I walked through the doors of the hospital, checked in and was shown to an ldr suite, I was handed an ugly gown and told to strip down. I was poked, prodded, pushed on and ultrasounded and had my nether regions shaved by a complete stranger. Then I was led to a unnaturally bright, awful smelling operating room full of more complete strangers, except my doctor. For more than half an hour I was stabbed in the back with a scary looking needle, finally, she hit the right spot and my lower body began to get warm and go numb. The team finished setting up and after what seemed like an eternity escorted my blue-clad husband into the room and got down to business. The whole experience was surreal, my upper body was shaking like an addict going through withdrawls and who knows what was happening on the other side of the sheet. The hubs held my hand and told me how much he loved me, the guy with the meds monitored machines and told me I was doing great, a nurse counted and my doc whistled and joked. At 8:36 am I gave birth to the most beautiful and stubborn baby girl.
The year since has flown by in a flurry of laughter and joy and tears. She is still the most beautiful, stubborn, brilliant, loving baby in the world and I could not be more blessed to have her in my life. I love you baby girl, Happy 1st birthday Princess.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Teaser Tuesday with an Urban Werewolf

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

This weeks teaser is from Leader of the Pack, the third in the Tales of an Urban Werewolf series by Karen MacInerney.
Pg. 135

" I looked up into his deep blue eyes, wondering what it was about him that made me so wanton. And wondering what exactly he was, come to think of it."

I just started this one but love the first two in the series so I'm excited to dive in. I also discovered an obsession for all things Georgina Kincaid this weekend, I read Succubus Blues in two days. I absolutely could not put it down, I can't wait to read the rest of the series. Hope everyone had a great weekend and happy reading!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ten Things

Today is my first Mother's Day and it has been wonderful. I got to sleep in, woke up to my two favorite people in the whole wide world and was surprised with beautiful lillies and a card that made me cry. I got lots of sweet texts from my wonderful friends and family. I also got pancakes, YUM! The hubs pampered me all day and I got extra kisses from the princess. We did a litte dvr clearing and lots of cuddling. I even got Princess down for bed with no meltdowns on either side.
So in honor of this special day I thought I would share my 10 favorite things about Princess, because without her I wouldnt be a mom. I could go on for days but I'll settle for 10.

10. The way you snore when you sleep on your back like daddy.
9. Your love of playing Peek-a-boo; whenever, wherever.
8. How you clap for yourself when you do something you're proud of or when we praise you.
7. How sometimes it's just snuggle time. You put your head on my shoulder, sigh softly and just exist with me for a minute or so.
6. Your independence and intellegence.
5. How you get so tickled when you get to share your snack with me or daddy. You hold up your graham cracker and when we take a bite you just laugh.
4. The way you talk, you're so expressive. You talk with your hands like I do.
3. You blow kisses when we say we love you.
2. How when I rock you to sleep right before you nod off you lift your head and give me the sweetest kiss.
1. How even on the really bad days you can make me smile.

I love you baby girl and I pray everyday that I can be worthy of your love and make you proud to call me Mom.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The one where my husband dances with purple elephants.

So I met with my ob today, to talk about how out-of-control I've been feeling and how I can't seem to make it better. Some days it feels like I'm falling apart and I can't get the peices back together. *deep breath* This was really hard for me, I have a very hard time asking for help and really didn't like telling the doc about what's been going on in my head lately. Thankfully he didn't ask much and I didn't have to say much. He is an ob, not a psychologist, his business is delivering babies. I guess he doesn't really need to know the specifics, just that I can't cope right now.
He calmly told me I am depressed and have an anxiety disorder. He prescribed an anti-depressant and gave me a referral to a psychiatrist. He didn't judge me, tell me I was crazy, and I haven't had any visits from CPS so I would say it went pretty well. Also my script isn't going to cost a small fortune so another plus. We'll deal with the cost of the head doctor and coronary I'm going to have when I get the bill when it happens. One step at a time.
I did what I thought I could never do. I admitted I need help and I got it.
Now for the bad news. I don't take meds. Tylenol and Tylenol PM, Tums, Nyquil when I absolutely need it, that's about it. When I was pregnant I was on blood pressure meds that laid me out for about a week, until we got the dose right. So I was leary of taking this one. But I want my old life back, so I did it. Now, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm puke, dizzy and fighting double vision as I type. I wasn't sure this was normal so I checked the side effects... all normal.
Hallucinations are not. As the hubs and I read through the list, he told me if I see him dancing in the middle of the living room with a large purple elephant it was a safe bet that was NOT happening and I should probably let him know so he could call the dr.
Gotta love the hubs. He's always good for a laugh.
As for the meds I'll give them a couple weeks hope the side effects mellow and they do as promised and even me out.

Tuesday Teaser

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

Dark Lover from J.R Ward

pg. 205

His irises were the most extraordinary color. A luminescent pale green, so pale they almost looked white. Framed by thick , dark lashes, set deeply beneath his brows, his eyes gleamed like they were lit from inside his skull, all but popping out of his face like lightbulbs.

I know it's three sentences but I couldn't stop mid-description. Happy Reading everyone!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Keep moving forward.

This morning I was cleaning the abode and threw on Meet the Robinson's for the tot. One of my fave Disney movies, and they quote at the end never fails to bring tears to my eyes and put a lump in my throat. "Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward..." Walt Disney. The whole theme of the movie really, is to keep moving forward. So that's what I'm going to do. Move forward. I'm not going to let myself get hung up and the fact that I didn't exactly acheive my goals or that I didn't lose 5lbs.
The simple fact is last week was tough for me. The fam was sick, the weather wasn't great, and I was feeling more than a little emotionally unstable. This mix didn't exactly inspire me to stick to the diet or get out walk this weight off.
But I didn't do too bad. I lost a lb and a half! It's not much but it's a start. It's less than I weighed this time last week.
I kinda sucked at sticking to the diet, but I didn't have any fast food and I kicked my sweet tooth's ass until saturday when we splurged on a chinese buffet and I had some ice cream (vanilla, no toppings) and one of those yummy asian donuts with cinnamon and sugar on it. But overall not too bad. I hit my water goal more than I didn't and I cut back on my diet pepsi consuption. I also walked 3 times! Yay me! *doing a happy dance* That's great considering the week before I walked oh ZERO times. And on saturday we ended up walking 4 miles on accident and having to call someone to take us home because it started raining. It was great I'll post some pics I took on the journey later this week. I found if I take the camera it doesn't feel like exercise and I can walk a lot farther.

So my goals for this week will remain the same as they were last week.
1. follow my the diet I had while pregnant
2. drink 96 oz of water a day
3. walk 4 times

Also a HUGE step for me. I called my ob to make an appointment to discuss my depression. I know I'm late in the game but for awhile I honestly thought every new mom felt this way. Then I thought it was that the hubs had lost his job and we were under a lot of stress, then I thought it was the birth control. I made up excuse after excuse for the way I was feeling and when I ran out of excuses I decided it really was that I was a bad mom/wife/daughter/friend/person. But thanks to a great friend and support from the hubs I'm taking the first step to get off the blame train. I meet with my ob tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Mr. Fix-it

An ode to my wonderful, amazing, really-don't-deserve him husband. I also could not ask for a better father to my child.
Last night I had a total attack, I was exhausted, sick and I'm emotional on a good day, this wasn't. Princess would not WOULD NOT go to sleep. I was so tired and found myself getting angry with her, and I hated myself for it. What kind of mother gets mad at her 11 month old? It's not like she was plotting to drive me insane by not sleeping. Finally, the hubs got her to sleep, while I was stewing in self-hatred with a dash of "You're a really awful mother". Several hours and lots of sobbing later I lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling absolutely terrible and surprise, surprise I couldn't sleep so I got up did a little blog surfing and facebooking when all I really wanted to do is snatch my little girl out of bed hug her and tell her how sorry mommy was. I finally got to the point where I thought I could fall asleep and Princess woke up. I made a bottle and padded into her room for some mommy-baby cuddle time. It went great until I tried to lay her in her crib (I'm too short and her crib is too high, I can't get her in without jostling her awake), as soon as her body hit the mattress she started crying, so I picked her up and started the process over again.... and again... and again... and AGAIN. After an hour and a half I put her down and went to get the hubs with tears running down my face on the edge of hysteria, he tried to talk me down and I went back, picked princess up and tried to make it all better. She continued to cry and I lost it... like body-racking, can't breathe, chest hurts, feeling like it's never going to be ok again lost it. In that moment I lost confidence in myself as a mom. I couldn't get my baby to sleep, I couldn't make her stop crying and her daddy made it look so easy. We ended up sitting in the living room floor until 4am watching disney channel and playing peek-a-boo. The hubs put her to bed, I just couldn't.
When bed time rolled around tonight my rational, level headed, brilliant husband took the wheels off the crib and made a make shift step-stool for me and bedtime went off without a hitch. Helping to restore my confidence and sanity.