"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Friday, April 30, 2010

Mr. Fix-it

An ode to my wonderful, amazing, really-don't-deserve him husband. I also could not ask for a better father to my child.
Last night I had a total attack, I was exhausted, sick and I'm emotional on a good day, this wasn't. Princess would not WOULD NOT go to sleep. I was so tired and found myself getting angry with her, and I hated myself for it. What kind of mother gets mad at her 11 month old? It's not like she was plotting to drive me insane by not sleeping. Finally, the hubs got her to sleep, while I was stewing in self-hatred with a dash of "You're a really awful mother". Several hours and lots of sobbing later I lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling absolutely terrible and surprise, surprise I couldn't sleep so I got up did a little blog surfing and facebooking when all I really wanted to do is snatch my little girl out of bed hug her and tell her how sorry mommy was. I finally got to the point where I thought I could fall asleep and Princess woke up. I made a bottle and padded into her room for some mommy-baby cuddle time. It went great until I tried to lay her in her crib (I'm too short and her crib is too high, I can't get her in without jostling her awake), as soon as her body hit the mattress she started crying, so I picked her up and started the process over again.... and again... and again... and AGAIN. After an hour and a half I put her down and went to get the hubs with tears running down my face on the edge of hysteria, he tried to talk me down and I went back, picked princess up and tried to make it all better. She continued to cry and I lost it... like body-racking, can't breathe, chest hurts, feeling like it's never going to be ok again lost it. In that moment I lost confidence in myself as a mom. I couldn't get my baby to sleep, I couldn't make her stop crying and her daddy made it look so easy. We ended up sitting in the living room floor until 4am watching disney channel and playing peek-a-boo. The hubs put her to bed, I just couldn't.
When bed time rolled around tonight my rational, level headed, brilliant husband took the wheels off the crib and made a make shift step-stool for me and bedtime went off without a hitch. Helping to restore my confidence and sanity.


So what started as the Princess getting a virus has led to the whole fam-bam being sick, even Bru has a hurt paw and is sprawled on the end of the couch. We now all have snotty noses and nasty coughs and Princess is still not sleeping well which means none of are. So our household is on quarantine this weekend. We are closing the blinds and locking the doors. There goes my plan to get out and walk, oh well. It's shaping up to be a nasty weekend weather-wise as well. Not great for my impending trip to the scale for Monday, but awesome for snuggling up on the couch clearing out the DVR and catching up on some reading.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

The Friday 56

The Friday 56 is a weekly bookish meme
Hosted by Storytime with Tonya and Friends.

• Grab the book CLOSEST to you.
• Share the 5th sentence on the 56th page.
• Note the title & author
• Link back

Dark Lover from J.R Ward
Sentence 5

Her head dropped. "My lord, I can feel you p-"

I just started this book so this is a huge tease for me. I can't wait to see who she is and what exactly she can feel.
Happy Friday all!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The highlight of my day

This is the highlight of my day. Our household hasn't seen much of this lately with the Princess being sick but today I've had to blessed hours of this. Now if I could just talk the hubs into turning the tv off, I would really be in heaven. :)

What do you do with quite moments?
I just finish my latest read Before I wake( and am itching to get my hands on the next in the series), you can check out this week's Tuesday Teaser for details and doing some blog surfing. Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Tuesday Teaser

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

My Tease:

Noah was exotic, even when smiling that goofy little smile that he always gave me, made me wonder if maybe there wasn't something between us other than a doctor-patient relationship. I had no business wondering, but how could I help it when the man stood before me in pj's with the Dark Knight on them, every inch of him on invitation?

from pg 14 of Before I Wake The first in the Nightmare Chronicles series by Kathryn Smith.
I just started this one and am totally hooked. I love the author, having read her Brotherhood of Blood series in about a week. Also the subject of dreams facinates me. I really like the main character too.
Happy Reading!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fed Up!

*Disclaimer*- I'm probably about to way overshare, but I really need to get this out. You have been forwarned. :)

I am soooo tired of being the fat girl. It's exhausting; physically, mentally, emotionally. I can't do it anymore. I'm waving my white flag.
I've been overweight most of my life. I was teased through elementary and jr high, it was relentless. Kids whispering behind my back and a few, really mean ones, to my face. It was miserable, gym being the worst. By my freshman year I was skipping meals. I never wanted anyone to see me eat. By some miracle I made the Girls Varsity cheerleading squad for my sophmore year with a few friends. We worked out all summer and I was eating less and less. The weight started to melt off, I dropped 50 lbs that summer. Everyone said I looked great, I figured if they thought I looked good now I could look even better if I ate a little less. By midway through my sophmore year I was eating the bare minimum, just enough that people wouldn't get suspicous. I was also starting to binge and purge. I started getting really bad mood swings, depression, I was lying to everyone. I was sick all the time, weak, dizzy. But I just couldn't get thin enough, it was never enough. Friends I had had since 3rd grade didn't want to be around me anymore.
It came to a head one morning when I passed out in class, I hadn't eaten anything in two days. One of the few friends I still had finally called me out, and another friend told our cheerleading coach and my mom. She knew what I was doing, because she had done it herself. She helped pull me out of that hell and she's been with me ever since.
I started putting weight back on with everyone watching me like a hawk, by my senior year I had gained back most of the weight I had lost but I was more okay with myself. I actually thought I looked pretty good. I stayed that weight until a car accident in 2004 that had me pretty much on my back for 2 months. During that time I put on almost 30 lbs, a breakup a 6 months later added 15 more. The numbers on the scale just kept going up and up. I got married and got comfortable, I add another 15 lbs.
When I got pregnant I was determined not to gain bunch of weight. Due to a gestational diabetes diagnosis and strict diet I managed to only gain 8 lbs which was gone plus some within a few weeks. I was really excited, this was going to work! I would just continue my diet and excerise and the pounds would fall off. Not so. I had trouble nursing (it was a nightmare really) and had to stop all together for the sake of my sanity. I took it hard, I got really depressed and started packing the lb's on again. Since my daughters birth 11 months ago I've put on almost 25 lbs.
It has to come off! I'm tired of wanting to shut myself in my house so no one see's me, I'm tired of buying clothing based on what fits, not what I like. I'm tired of being tire and sore all the time, even when I haven't done anything. I'm just plain tired. This is my aha! moment. I'm at the bottom, the only place to go is up. It isn't going to be easy, it won't happen over night and I'm sure there will be moments I just want to give up. But I won't. NOT THIS TIME. And I won't give in to the little voice thats saying it would be so easy to do what I did last time. My baby girl deserves more than that, my husband deserves more than that. The friend that has stuck by me all this time deserves more than that ( not to mention she would kick my ass). And mostly I desrve more than that. I'm taking that voice along with myself doubt, locking them up in a box, shipping them to timbuktu with no return address and flushing the key.
So to assist with accountability I'm joing McFatty Mondays and will be posting my journey here weekly.

THE BAD: I didn't do this sooner.
THE GOOD: It isn't too late

My Goals: (I'll start small this week, don't want to set myself up for failure)
1. Start the "diet" I was on while pregnant
2. Drink 96 ounces of water a day
3. Get out and take a walk at least times this week.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My wish for you

It's 1 am, I'm curled up on the couch with my snuggie, the only sound I hear is the gentle whirring of the ceiling fan and through the open windows I can smell rain and damp earth. It's a peaceful night, but I can't seem to sleep.
I've checked on you three times now, you're sound asleep in your crib ( on your belly with your knees drawn up and your bottom in the air), snoring your soft little baby snores. I wonder what you're dreaming? As long I can't sleep I thought I'd share some of my dreams for you...
I wish that you never know pain or loss. I wish that the ugliness of this world never touches your life and that you get all that you desire. However, since that is impossible...
I wish that you always know Mommy and Daddy love you and you are everything we could ever hope for. That I will be here when you fall down, for your skinned knees and tummy aches. I'll be there if you don't make the team, when you have a fight with your best friend, and your break-ups. I wish that you see that for every bit of cruelty and hatred and ugliness this world has to offer, there is kindess and love and beauty. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder for it. And I wish you remember that for everything you want and don't get there is usually something better waiting just around the corner.
I wish for you to treat others the way you want to be treated and always try to be kind ( even though it's really hard sometimes).

I love you princess, good night.

The Friday 56

The Friday 56 is a weekly bookish meme
Hosted by Storytime with Tonya and Friends.

• Grab the book CLOSEST to you.
• Share the 5th sentence on the 56th page.
• Note the title & author
• Link back

A lot of what had first brought Luke Cane to the area was part of a dying past. Didn't matter.

From Killing Edge by Heather Graham

Not far into this one but so far so good. Happy reading!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It's late... again. Tuesday Teaser

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

It's tuesday teaser time again... except it's wednesday. What a bad blogger I am *hanging my head in shame*. So since I am late I will give a very juicy teaser.
This one is from a steamy scene in The Hellion and The Highlander from Lynsay Sands, a fave of mine.

pg. 192
"Do it." It was quite and order, punctuated by his hand's reaching the apex of her thighs and lightly over the tender flesh there before drifting down again.
Swallowing Averill slowly slid the gown off her shoulders.

Happy reading all!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Teaser Tuesday... yes, I know it's wednesday.

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

Mine is from Howling at the Moon: Tales of an Urban Werewolf by Karen MacInerney

"His eyes were iridescent gold, just a shade darker than his hair. Under his jeans and tattered T-shirt his body was tanned and muscular, gleaming in the morning light."
and since I was a bad girl and posted late here's a third line, just for the hell of it.
"He stopped at the crosswalk, and it was all I could do not to hang my head out the window and start panting."

On a side-note: I just finished Kerrelyn Spark's, The Vampire and the Virgin and Jeaniene Frost's Destined for an Early Grave. These should definitely be on your must-read lists. I could not put them down. The Vampire and the Virgin is from Spark's Love at Stake series and Destined is from Frost's Night Huntress series ( I can't get enough of Cat and Bones.) Happy reading to all!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

it's teaser tuesday!

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly meme hosted by MizB at Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

Grab your current read

Open to a random page

Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page

BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)

Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

Deeper Than Dead, Tami Hoag pg 121
He held his breath for a second, let it out, raised his hand- willing it not to shake- and started writing again.
"The organized offender is intellegent, socially competent, hold down a job...."

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I would just like to thank Brian Williams for reporting the good news today. I have stopped watching the news as a general rule because I find that everytime I do I begin to lose faith in humanity. It was simple, he made a small comment about the beautiful weather in the midwest, but it was enough.
With all the natural disasters, the crappy economy, the war and the horrid things that we as humans do to our fellow man and our earth it's easy to become consumed with ugliness, but there is still beauty and love you just have to look for it. So thank you for bringing a little sunshine to an otherwise dreary news day!