"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Thursday, May 27, 2010

One year

May 27th is an important day to me for several reasons.
On this day in 2002 I walked down a long aisle in a red cap and gown, shook the hand of the Superintendant (?) and was handed a diploma. I was finally done after 12 long years I was a high school graduate, an adult (yeah, right).
Just three short years later, on the same day, in 2005 I walked down an even longer aisle in an even more crowded arena, this time in a black cap and gown and too tight heels, shook the hand of some guy I'd never met and was handed, this time a degree. I was a college graduate, the first and to this day only, one in my family to do it. I headed out in the world to kick ass and take names, after a short, mostly druken, do things I would never normally do and to this day won't admit to half of them, trip to New Orleans.
In the time since went through several jobs, several more boyfriends and too many nights out drinking and embarassing myself, settled down, got married to the man of my dreams and one year ago today I did something I had dreamed of doing, but was never sure I really would. At 5:30 am I walked through the doors of the hospital, checked in and was shown to an ldr suite, I was handed an ugly gown and told to strip down. I was poked, prodded, pushed on and ultrasounded and had my nether regions shaved by a complete stranger. Then I was led to a unnaturally bright, awful smelling operating room full of more complete strangers, except my doctor. For more than half an hour I was stabbed in the back with a scary looking needle, finally, she hit the right spot and my lower body began to get warm and go numb. The team finished setting up and after what seemed like an eternity escorted my blue-clad husband into the room and got down to business. The whole experience was surreal, my upper body was shaking like an addict going through withdrawls and who knows what was happening on the other side of the sheet. The hubs held my hand and told me how much he loved me, the guy with the meds monitored machines and told me I was doing great, a nurse counted and my doc whistled and joked. At 8:36 am I gave birth to the most beautiful and stubborn baby girl.
The year since has flown by in a flurry of laughter and joy and tears. She is still the most beautiful, stubborn, brilliant, loving baby in the world and I could not be more blessed to have her in my life. I love you baby girl, Happy 1st birthday Princess.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Teaser Tuesday with an Urban Werewolf

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

This weeks teaser is from Leader of the Pack, the third in the Tales of an Urban Werewolf series by Karen MacInerney.
Pg. 135

" I looked up into his deep blue eyes, wondering what it was about him that made me so wanton. And wondering what exactly he was, come to think of it."

I just started this one but love the first two in the series so I'm excited to dive in. I also discovered an obsession for all things Georgina Kincaid this weekend, I read Succubus Blues in two days. I absolutely could not put it down, I can't wait to read the rest of the series. Hope everyone had a great weekend and happy reading!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ten Things

Today is my first Mother's Day and it has been wonderful. I got to sleep in, woke up to my two favorite people in the whole wide world and was surprised with beautiful lillies and a card that made me cry. I got lots of sweet texts from my wonderful friends and family. I also got pancakes, YUM! The hubs pampered me all day and I got extra kisses from the princess. We did a litte dvr clearing and lots of cuddling. I even got Princess down for bed with no meltdowns on either side.
So in honor of this special day I thought I would share my 10 favorite things about Princess, because without her I wouldnt be a mom. I could go on for days but I'll settle for 10.

10. The way you snore when you sleep on your back like daddy.
9. Your love of playing Peek-a-boo; whenever, wherever.
8. How you clap for yourself when you do something you're proud of or when we praise you.
7. How sometimes it's just snuggle time. You put your head on my shoulder, sigh softly and just exist with me for a minute or so.
6. Your independence and intellegence.
5. How you get so tickled when you get to share your snack with me or daddy. You hold up your graham cracker and when we take a bite you just laugh.
4. The way you talk, you're so expressive. You talk with your hands like I do.
3. You blow kisses when we say we love you.
2. How when I rock you to sleep right before you nod off you lift your head and give me the sweetest kiss.
1. How even on the really bad days you can make me smile.

I love you baby girl and I pray everyday that I can be worthy of your love and make you proud to call me Mom.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The one where my husband dances with purple elephants.

So I met with my ob today, to talk about how out-of-control I've been feeling and how I can't seem to make it better. Some days it feels like I'm falling apart and I can't get the peices back together. *deep breath* This was really hard for me, I have a very hard time asking for help and really didn't like telling the doc about what's been going on in my head lately. Thankfully he didn't ask much and I didn't have to say much. He is an ob, not a psychologist, his business is delivering babies. I guess he doesn't really need to know the specifics, just that I can't cope right now.
He calmly told me I am depressed and have an anxiety disorder. He prescribed an anti-depressant and gave me a referral to a psychiatrist. He didn't judge me, tell me I was crazy, and I haven't had any visits from CPS so I would say it went pretty well. Also my script isn't going to cost a small fortune so another plus. We'll deal with the cost of the head doctor and coronary I'm going to have when I get the bill when it happens. One step at a time.
I did what I thought I could never do. I admitted I need help and I got it.
Now for the bad news. I don't take meds. Tylenol and Tylenol PM, Tums, Nyquil when I absolutely need it, that's about it. When I was pregnant I was on blood pressure meds that laid me out for about a week, until we got the dose right. So I was leary of taking this one. But I want my old life back, so I did it. Now, I'm sitting here feeling like I'm puke, dizzy and fighting double vision as I type. I wasn't sure this was normal so I checked the side effects... all normal.
Hallucinations are not. As the hubs and I read through the list, he told me if I see him dancing in the middle of the living room with a large purple elephant it was a safe bet that was NOT happening and I should probably let him know so he could call the dr.
Gotta love the hubs. He's always good for a laugh.
As for the meds I'll give them a couple weeks hope the side effects mellow and they do as promised and even me out.

Tuesday Teaser

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

Dark Lover from J.R Ward

pg. 205

His irises were the most extraordinary color. A luminescent pale green, so pale they almost looked white. Framed by thick , dark lashes, set deeply beneath his brows, his eyes gleamed like they were lit from inside his skull, all but popping out of his face like lightbulbs.

I know it's three sentences but I couldn't stop mid-description. Happy Reading everyone!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Keep moving forward.

This morning I was cleaning the abode and threw on Meet the Robinson's for the tot. One of my fave Disney movies, and they quote at the end never fails to bring tears to my eyes and put a lump in my throat. "Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward..." Walt Disney. The whole theme of the movie really, is to keep moving forward. So that's what I'm going to do. Move forward. I'm not going to let myself get hung up and the fact that I didn't exactly acheive my goals or that I didn't lose 5lbs.
The simple fact is last week was tough for me. The fam was sick, the weather wasn't great, and I was feeling more than a little emotionally unstable. This mix didn't exactly inspire me to stick to the diet or get out walk this weight off.
But I didn't do too bad. I lost a lb and a half! It's not much but it's a start. It's less than I weighed this time last week.
I kinda sucked at sticking to the diet, but I didn't have any fast food and I kicked my sweet tooth's ass until saturday when we splurged on a chinese buffet and I had some ice cream (vanilla, no toppings) and one of those yummy asian donuts with cinnamon and sugar on it. But overall not too bad. I hit my water goal more than I didn't and I cut back on my diet pepsi consuption. I also walked 3 times! Yay me! *doing a happy dance* That's great considering the week before I walked oh ZERO times. And on saturday we ended up walking 4 miles on accident and having to call someone to take us home because it started raining. It was great I'll post some pics I took on the journey later this week. I found if I take the camera it doesn't feel like exercise and I can walk a lot farther.

So my goals for this week will remain the same as they were last week.
1. follow my the diet I had while pregnant
2. drink 96 oz of water a day
3. walk 4 times

Also a HUGE step for me. I called my ob to make an appointment to discuss my depression. I know I'm late in the game but for awhile I honestly thought every new mom felt this way. Then I thought it was that the hubs had lost his job and we were under a lot of stress, then I thought it was the birth control. I made up excuse after excuse for the way I was feeling and when I ran out of excuses I decided it really was that I was a bad mom/wife/daughter/friend/person. But thanks to a great friend and support from the hubs I'm taking the first step to get off the blame train. I meet with my ob tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Mr. Fix-it

An ode to my wonderful, amazing, really-don't-deserve him husband. I also could not ask for a better father to my child.
Last night I had a total attack, I was exhausted, sick and I'm emotional on a good day, this wasn't. Princess would not WOULD NOT go to sleep. I was so tired and found myself getting angry with her, and I hated myself for it. What kind of mother gets mad at her 11 month old? It's not like she was plotting to drive me insane by not sleeping. Finally, the hubs got her to sleep, while I was stewing in self-hatred with a dash of "You're a really awful mother". Several hours and lots of sobbing later I lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling absolutely terrible and surprise, surprise I couldn't sleep so I got up did a little blog surfing and facebooking when all I really wanted to do is snatch my little girl out of bed hug her and tell her how sorry mommy was. I finally got to the point where I thought I could fall asleep and Princess woke up. I made a bottle and padded into her room for some mommy-baby cuddle time. It went great until I tried to lay her in her crib (I'm too short and her crib is too high, I can't get her in without jostling her awake), as soon as her body hit the mattress she started crying, so I picked her up and started the process over again.... and again... and again... and AGAIN. After an hour and a half I put her down and went to get the hubs with tears running down my face on the edge of hysteria, he tried to talk me down and I went back, picked princess up and tried to make it all better. She continued to cry and I lost it... like body-racking, can't breathe, chest hurts, feeling like it's never going to be ok again lost it. In that moment I lost confidence in myself as a mom. I couldn't get my baby to sleep, I couldn't make her stop crying and her daddy made it look so easy. We ended up sitting in the living room floor until 4am watching disney channel and playing peek-a-boo. The hubs put her to bed, I just couldn't.
When bed time rolled around tonight my rational, level headed, brilliant husband took the wheels off the crib and made a make shift step-stool for me and bedtime went off without a hitch. Helping to restore my confidence and sanity.


So what started as the Princess getting a virus has led to the whole fam-bam being sick, even Bru has a hurt paw and is sprawled on the end of the couch. We now all have snotty noses and nasty coughs and Princess is still not sleeping well which means none of are. So our household is on quarantine this weekend. We are closing the blinds and locking the doors. There goes my plan to get out and walk, oh well. It's shaping up to be a nasty weekend weather-wise as well. Not great for my impending trip to the scale for Monday, but awesome for snuggling up on the couch clearing out the DVR and catching up on some reading.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

The Friday 56

The Friday 56 is a weekly bookish meme
Hosted by Storytime with Tonya and Friends.

• Grab the book CLOSEST to you.
• Share the 5th sentence on the 56th page.
• Note the title & author
• Link back

Dark Lover from J.R Ward
Sentence 5

Her head dropped. "My lord, I can feel you p-"

I just started this book so this is a huge tease for me. I can't wait to see who she is and what exactly she can feel.
Happy Friday all!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The highlight of my day

This is the highlight of my day. Our household hasn't seen much of this lately with the Princess being sick but today I've had to blessed hours of this. Now if I could just talk the hubs into turning the tv off, I would really be in heaven. :)

What do you do with quite moments?
I just finish my latest read Before I wake( and am itching to get my hands on the next in the series), you can check out this week's Tuesday Teaser for details and doing some blog surfing. Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Tuesday Teaser

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

My Tease:

Noah was exotic, even when smiling that goofy little smile that he always gave me, made me wonder if maybe there wasn't something between us other than a doctor-patient relationship. I had no business wondering, but how could I help it when the man stood before me in pj's with the Dark Knight on them, every inch of him on invitation?

from pg 14 of Before I Wake The first in the Nightmare Chronicles series by Kathryn Smith.
I just started this one and am totally hooked. I love the author, having read her Brotherhood of Blood series in about a week. Also the subject of dreams facinates me. I really like the main character too.
Happy Reading!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fed Up!

*Disclaimer*- I'm probably about to way overshare, but I really need to get this out. You have been forwarned. :)

I am soooo tired of being the fat girl. It's exhausting; physically, mentally, emotionally. I can't do it anymore. I'm waving my white flag.
I've been overweight most of my life. I was teased through elementary and jr high, it was relentless. Kids whispering behind my back and a few, really mean ones, to my face. It was miserable, gym being the worst. By my freshman year I was skipping meals. I never wanted anyone to see me eat. By some miracle I made the Girls Varsity cheerleading squad for my sophmore year with a few friends. We worked out all summer and I was eating less and less. The weight started to melt off, I dropped 50 lbs that summer. Everyone said I looked great, I figured if they thought I looked good now I could look even better if I ate a little less. By midway through my sophmore year I was eating the bare minimum, just enough that people wouldn't get suspicous. I was also starting to binge and purge. I started getting really bad mood swings, depression, I was lying to everyone. I was sick all the time, weak, dizzy. But I just couldn't get thin enough, it was never enough. Friends I had had since 3rd grade didn't want to be around me anymore.
It came to a head one morning when I passed out in class, I hadn't eaten anything in two days. One of the few friends I still had finally called me out, and another friend told our cheerleading coach and my mom. She knew what I was doing, because she had done it herself. She helped pull me out of that hell and she's been with me ever since.
I started putting weight back on with everyone watching me like a hawk, by my senior year I had gained back most of the weight I had lost but I was more okay with myself. I actually thought I looked pretty good. I stayed that weight until a car accident in 2004 that had me pretty much on my back for 2 months. During that time I put on almost 30 lbs, a breakup a 6 months later added 15 more. The numbers on the scale just kept going up and up. I got married and got comfortable, I add another 15 lbs.
When I got pregnant I was determined not to gain bunch of weight. Due to a gestational diabetes diagnosis and strict diet I managed to only gain 8 lbs which was gone plus some within a few weeks. I was really excited, this was going to work! I would just continue my diet and excerise and the pounds would fall off. Not so. I had trouble nursing (it was a nightmare really) and had to stop all together for the sake of my sanity. I took it hard, I got really depressed and started packing the lb's on again. Since my daughters birth 11 months ago I've put on almost 25 lbs.
It has to come off! I'm tired of wanting to shut myself in my house so no one see's me, I'm tired of buying clothing based on what fits, not what I like. I'm tired of being tire and sore all the time, even when I haven't done anything. I'm just plain tired. This is my aha! moment. I'm at the bottom, the only place to go is up. It isn't going to be easy, it won't happen over night and I'm sure there will be moments I just want to give up. But I won't. NOT THIS TIME. And I won't give in to the little voice thats saying it would be so easy to do what I did last time. My baby girl deserves more than that, my husband deserves more than that. The friend that has stuck by me all this time deserves more than that ( not to mention she would kick my ass). And mostly I desrve more than that. I'm taking that voice along with myself doubt, locking them up in a box, shipping them to timbuktu with no return address and flushing the key.
So to assist with accountability I'm joing McFatty Mondays and will be posting my journey here weekly.

THE BAD: I didn't do this sooner.
THE GOOD: It isn't too late

My Goals: (I'll start small this week, don't want to set myself up for failure)
1. Start the "diet" I was on while pregnant
2. Drink 96 ounces of water a day
3. Get out and take a walk at least times this week.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My wish for you

It's 1 am, I'm curled up on the couch with my snuggie, the only sound I hear is the gentle whirring of the ceiling fan and through the open windows I can smell rain and damp earth. It's a peaceful night, but I can't seem to sleep.
I've checked on you three times now, you're sound asleep in your crib ( on your belly with your knees drawn up and your bottom in the air), snoring your soft little baby snores. I wonder what you're dreaming? As long I can't sleep I thought I'd share some of my dreams for you...
I wish that you never know pain or loss. I wish that the ugliness of this world never touches your life and that you get all that you desire. However, since that is impossible...
I wish that you always know Mommy and Daddy love you and you are everything we could ever hope for. That I will be here when you fall down, for your skinned knees and tummy aches. I'll be there if you don't make the team, when you have a fight with your best friend, and your break-ups. I wish that you see that for every bit of cruelty and hatred and ugliness this world has to offer, there is kindess and love and beauty. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder for it. And I wish you remember that for everything you want and don't get there is usually something better waiting just around the corner.
I wish for you to treat others the way you want to be treated and always try to be kind ( even though it's really hard sometimes).

I love you princess, good night.

The Friday 56

The Friday 56 is a weekly bookish meme
Hosted by Storytime with Tonya and Friends.

• Grab the book CLOSEST to you.
• Share the 5th sentence on the 56th page.
• Note the title & author
• Link back

A lot of what had first brought Luke Cane to the area was part of a dying past. Didn't matter.

From Killing Edge by Heather Graham

Not far into this one but so far so good. Happy reading!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It's late... again. Tuesday Teaser

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

It's tuesday teaser time again... except it's wednesday. What a bad blogger I am *hanging my head in shame*. So since I am late I will give a very juicy teaser.
This one is from a steamy scene in The Hellion and The Highlander from Lynsay Sands, a fave of mine.

pg. 192
"Do it." It was quite and order, punctuated by his hand's reaching the apex of her thighs and lightly over the tender flesh there before drifting down again.
Swallowing Averill slowly slid the gown off her shoulders.

Happy reading all!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Teaser Tuesday... yes, I know it's wednesday.

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along!
• Grab your current read & open to a random page
• Share two “teaser” sentences sans spoilers
• Note the title & author

Mine is from Howling at the Moon: Tales of an Urban Werewolf by Karen MacInerney

"His eyes were iridescent gold, just a shade darker than his hair. Under his jeans and tattered T-shirt his body was tanned and muscular, gleaming in the morning light."
and since I was a bad girl and posted late here's a third line, just for the hell of it.
"He stopped at the crosswalk, and it was all I could do not to hang my head out the window and start panting."

On a side-note: I just finished Kerrelyn Spark's, The Vampire and the Virgin and Jeaniene Frost's Destined for an Early Grave. These should definitely be on your must-read lists. I could not put them down. The Vampire and the Virgin is from Spark's Love at Stake series and Destined is from Frost's Night Huntress series ( I can't get enough of Cat and Bones.) Happy reading to all!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

it's teaser tuesday!

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly meme hosted by MizB at Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

Grab your current read

Open to a random page

Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page

BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)

Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

Deeper Than Dead, Tami Hoag pg 121
He held his breath for a second, let it out, raised his hand- willing it not to shake- and started writing again.
"The organized offender is intellegent, socially competent, hold down a job...."

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I would just like to thank Brian Williams for reporting the good news today. I have stopped watching the news as a general rule because I find that everytime I do I begin to lose faith in humanity. It was simple, he made a small comment about the beautiful weather in the midwest, but it was enough.
With all the natural disasters, the crappy economy, the war and the horrid things that we as humans do to our fellow man and our earth it's easy to become consumed with ugliness, but there is still beauty and love you just have to look for it. So thank you for bringing a little sunshine to an otherwise dreary news day!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Teaser Tuesday

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

Grab your current read
Open to a random page
Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn’t give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

Diana looked at the gray Quentin in this gray time or place and knew it wasn't the real Quentin. Her Quentin. ~ Blood Ties, Kay Hooper
This is it. My first ever blog. I guess I'm doing this to try and capture the everyday moments of our life, the ones that don't make it in the baby book. So that one day I can show this to my little girl when she asks how life was "back when". I'm getting a bit of a late start considering Her Highness is already 10 months old, but better late than never.

So for you, one day when you're older, my little princess is the story of how you came to be. Well the edited version. I met your daddy in 2006. We worked together at a little restaurant that has long since closed. I knew there was something special about him right away. He proposed on my birthday in 2007 after spending most of the night before in the hospital with kidney stones and almost wasn't able to pick up the ring. We were married in July of 2008, and three short months later you showed up as two little pink lines on at least 5 different tests.

You were my little princess, always wanting your way even before you were born, kicking me all night because you slept all day and trying your hardest to rearrange my ribs to your liking. When it was nearly time to come out you had to have your way in that too. Upside down just didn't work for you. You wouldn't turn around, no matter what we tried. So your grand entrance was planned and on May 27, 2009 you entered this world. It was the most magical day of my life. You were so beautiful.

The months since have flown past. You were so tiny, I was afraid to even put you down. You went everywhere with me. It was almost like you were a part of me and when you werent with me it felt like that part was missing. It took six month's for me to even let you sleep in your own room, we had a lot of sleepless nights. You began to grow and become more independant. You're almost walking now! I love watching you play and learn. You are so bright and it makes me proud, but it also makes me sad and wish for the day's when your favorite thing was to cuddle with me on the couch. When I was your whole world. Your daddy is helping me get through it though. Reminding me this is a good thing, that your comfort in being away from me is because you feel confident that I will always be there, and I will my little angel. I love you with every fiber of my being and want nothing but for you to be happy. Love, Mommy