*Disclaimer*- I'm probably about to way overshare, but I really need to get this out. You have been forwarned. :)
I am soooo tired of being the fat girl. It's exhausting; physically, mentally, emotionally. I can't do it anymore. I'm waving my white flag.
I've been overweight most of my life. I was teased through elementary and jr high, it was relentless. Kids whispering behind my back and a few, really mean ones, to my face. It was miserable, gym being the worst. By my freshman year I was skipping meals. I never wanted anyone to see me eat. By some miracle I made the Girls Varsity cheerleading squad for my sophmore year with a few friends. We worked out all summer and I was eating less and less. The weight started to melt off, I dropped 50 lbs that summer. Everyone said I looked great, I figured if they thought I looked good now I could look even better if I ate a little less. By midway through my sophmore year I was eating the bare minimum, just enough that people wouldn't get suspicous. I was also starting to binge and purge. I started getting really bad mood swings, depression, I was lying to everyone. I was sick all the time, weak, dizzy. But I just couldn't get thin enough, it was never enough. Friends I had had since 3rd grade didn't want to be around me anymore.
It came to a head one morning when I passed out in class, I hadn't eaten anything in two days. One of the few friends I still had finally called me out, and another friend told our cheerleading coach and my mom. She knew what I was doing, because she had done it herself. She helped pull me out of that hell and she's been with me ever since.
I started putting weight back on with everyone watching me like a hawk, by my senior year I had gained back most of the weight I had lost but I was more okay with myself. I actually thought I looked pretty good. I stayed that weight until a car accident in 2004 that had me pretty much on my back for 2 months. During that time I put on almost 30 lbs, a breakup a 6 months later added 15 more. The numbers on the scale just kept going up and up. I got married and got comfortable, I add another 15 lbs.
When I got pregnant I was determined not to gain bunch of weight. Due to a gestational diabetes diagnosis and strict diet I managed to only gain 8 lbs which was gone plus some within a few weeks. I was really excited, this was going to work! I would just continue my diet and excerise and the pounds would fall off. Not so. I had trouble nursing (it was a nightmare really) and had to stop all together for the sake of my sanity. I took it hard, I got really depressed and started packing the lb's on again. Since my daughters birth 11 months ago I've put on almost 25 lbs.
It has to come off! I'm tired of wanting to shut myself in my house so no one see's me, I'm tired of buying clothing based on what fits, not what I like. I'm tired of being tire and sore all the time, even when I haven't done anything. I'm just plain tired. This is my aha! moment. I'm at the bottom, the only place to go is up. It isn't going to be easy, it won't happen over night and I'm sure there will be moments I just want to give up. But I won't. NOT THIS TIME. And I won't give in to the little voice thats saying it would be so easy to do what I did last time. My baby girl deserves more than that, my husband deserves more than that. The friend that has stuck by me all this time deserves more than that ( not to mention she would kick my ass). And mostly I desrve more than that. I'm taking that voice along with myself doubt, locking them up in a box, shipping them to timbuktu with no return address and flushing the key.
So to assist with accountability I'm joing McFatty Mondays and will be posting my journey here weekly.
THE BAD: I didn't do this sooner.
THE GOOD: It isn't too late
My Goals: (I'll start small this week, don't want to set myself up for failure)
1. Start the "diet" I was on while pregnant
2. Drink 96 ounces of water a day
3. Get out and take a walk at least times this week.