"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

Friday, April 30, 2010

Mr. Fix-it

An ode to my wonderful, amazing, really-don't-deserve him husband. I also could not ask for a better father to my child.
Last night I had a total attack, I was exhausted, sick and I'm emotional on a good day, this wasn't. Princess would not WOULD NOT go to sleep. I was so tired and found myself getting angry with her, and I hated myself for it. What kind of mother gets mad at her 11 month old? It's not like she was plotting to drive me insane by not sleeping. Finally, the hubs got her to sleep, while I was stewing in self-hatred with a dash of "You're a really awful mother". Several hours and lots of sobbing later I lay in bed staring at the ceiling feeling absolutely terrible and surprise, surprise I couldn't sleep so I got up did a little blog surfing and facebooking when all I really wanted to do is snatch my little girl out of bed hug her and tell her how sorry mommy was. I finally got to the point where I thought I could fall asleep and Princess woke up. I made a bottle and padded into her room for some mommy-baby cuddle time. It went great until I tried to lay her in her crib (I'm too short and her crib is too high, I can't get her in without jostling her awake), as soon as her body hit the mattress she started crying, so I picked her up and started the process over again.... and again... and again... and AGAIN. After an hour and a half I put her down and went to get the hubs with tears running down my face on the edge of hysteria, he tried to talk me down and I went back, picked princess up and tried to make it all better. She continued to cry and I lost it... like body-racking, can't breathe, chest hurts, feeling like it's never going to be ok again lost it. In that moment I lost confidence in myself as a mom. I couldn't get my baby to sleep, I couldn't make her stop crying and her daddy made it look so easy. We ended up sitting in the living room floor until 4am watching disney channel and playing peek-a-boo. The hubs put her to bed, I just couldn't.
When bed time rolled around tonight my rational, level headed, brilliant husband took the wheels off the crib and made a make shift step-stool for me and bedtime went off without a hitch. Helping to restore my confidence and sanity.

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